


(mis)communication

by n0t_leaving



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: AU where everyone is happy, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Group texts, Hotch is Spencer's Dad, Multi, Other, Rossi is his papa, Texting, The BAU Team as Family (Criminal Minds), because im lazy and hate writing descriptions, emily and jj's relationship is very minor, emily is a little shit, i just want a world where he is loved, slight oc spencer, which is basically canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:54:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29084964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n0t_leaving/pseuds/n0t_leaving
Summary: basically the team dynamic over a series of texts, showing Rossi being the chill dad, Hotch being the stressed other dad, JJ being sweet, Emily being the little shit middle child, Derek being far too heterosexual and Garcia being her lovely self.it's very stupid and was based on a dream i had where reid was happy in a queer relationship and the bau was more chilled
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Kudos: 63





	(mis)communication

**Author's Note:**

> this is legitimately stupid, but i hope you enjoy is. Pls let me know if there is something wrong or anything.  
> also i hope everyone is doing okay :)

Em <3: I am about to find out who Reid is dating  
Jay Gay: wat, y  
Jay Gay: how?  
Em <3: Ive got his phone moohahahahaha  
Jay Gay: eye roll, of course you do  
Em <3: and he got a notification  
Jay Gay: what? How does that tell you anything?  
Em <3: FROM “DADDY”  
Jay Gay: 0.0  
Jay Gay: how are you gonna get into his phone anyway?  
Jay Gay: the password is probably something really nerdy and mathy  
Em <3: I have two guess and if I get it wrong ill just ask Garcia  
Em <3: first guess ‘0000’  
Jay Gay: give him some credit  
Em <3: denied :(  
Em <3: second guess, ‘1234’  
Jay Gay: he is a grown man emily  
Em <3: IM IN  
Jay Gay: nvm I take it back  
Jay Gay: he is a child  
Em <3: an unmitigated disaster  
Em <3: last message from ‘Daddy’ reads “Come to mine tonight for dinner. You can pick up your books and actually eat human food for once.”  
Em <3: very authoritative  
Em <3: he is a daddy  
Em <3: imma text back  
Jay Gay: emilllyyy don’t  
Em <3: no imma texty text  
Jay Gay: at least be subtle  
Em <3: from spencer to daddy “oh I’ll be cumming tonight definitely, because human food isn’t all I’m going to be eating- talking about that statistically big dick of yours ;p”  
Em <3: I added statistically to sound like spencer, I think it worked

Daddy: I should hope not considering I am a straight man who is more than double your age, as well as your direct superior.  
Reid. S: oh fuck  
Daddy: Though I am faltered by the accurate assertion that my “dick” is “statistically big”, I view you purely platonically.  
Reid .S: ohfuckohfuckfuckfuck  
Daddy: I think it would be best if you came into my office now and give Reid his phone back, Prentis.  
Reid .S: OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUKCUFKC

Spencer R created a group chat, added all the BAU members 

Spencer: I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH HOTCH  
Spencer: HE IS IN MY PHONE AS ‘DADDY’ BECAUSE HE IS A FATHER FIGURE TO ME AND THE POSITION OF ‘PAPA’ WAS TAKEN BY ROSSI AND THE POSITION OF ‘DAD’ WAS TAKEN BY GIDEON WHO I HAVE NOW CHANGED TO ‘ABANDOMNED ISSUES 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO’. HOTCH ON MY PHONE WILL NOW, AND FOREVER, BE ‘DAD’.  
Spencer: ADDITIONALLY, ALTHOUGH HE IS OBJECTIVELY VERY ATTRACTIVE, I AM HURT AT YOUR COLLECTIVE BELIEF THAT MY DADDY ISSUES RUN SO DEEP THAT I WOULD SLEEP WITH SOMEONE WHO ACTIVELY ACTS AS MY FATHER.  
Spencer: FURTHERMORE, I WOULD LIKE TO CLARIFY THAT I DO NOT HAVE A DADDY KINK AND WOULD NOT SLEEP WITH MY SUPERIOR (BEEN THERE DONE THAT). JUST BECAUSE I MAY OR MAYNOT HAVE STRIPPED THROUGH COLLEGE AND MAY OR MAYNOT HAVE HAD A BREIF SUGAR DADDY RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T MEAN I PARTAKE IN ANY GOOD BOY/LITTLE KITTEN BULLSHIT. IF ANYTHING, I WOULD BE THE DADDY!  
Spencer: BUT REALLY, YOU GUYS ARE THE WIERDOS FOR INSTANTLY JUMPING TO THAT, YOU PERVERT.  
Spencer: SO, TO ALL OF YOU, THANK YOU BUT NO THANK YOU.  
Spencer: AND IF ANYONE TOUCHES MY PHONE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY SIGN YOU UP FOR EVERY SPAM WEBSITE, MAGAZINE, CALLING SERVICE I CAN FIND, SEND EVERY SHAMEFUL PHOTOS OF YOU TO YOUR PARENTS AND HIGHSCHOOL CLASSES AND THEN KILL MYSELF. 

Penelope G.: bold of you to assume I have parents  
Penelope G: also wow. This came out of now where and I need to know the context asap  
Derek M: “I would have slept with him” “I would be the daddy” sure reid sure keep telling yourself that  
Aaron H: no he’s right  
Penelope G: w t f  
David R: ‘papa’ <3  
Aaron H: We have talked about this Reid. No joking about suicide.  
Derek M: STRIPPED THROUGH COLLEGE

Spencer R has deleted the chat. 

Infant: do you think you could teach me how to dance?  
Papa Pasta: dance? Is little spencie trying to impress someone  
Infant: ...maybe  
Papa pasta: and you didn't ask Morgan because…  
Infant: he’d laugh and I doubt he knows how to ballroom  
Papa pasta: you think I do?  
Infant: idk, you are part of the bourgeois  
Papa pasta: I resent that and sorry but I only tango  
Infant: :(

Stinky Baby: teach me to ballroom  
Meanie: there is no way your giraffe looking ass can ballroom  
Meanie: but I accept the challenge  
Meanie: meet me and hotch at 4 today in the conference room  
Stinky Baby: ...why hotch as well  
Meanie: because I didn't want to assume what gender you'd be dancing bitch  
Stinky baby: oh, thnks 

Hotchpocket: I'm going home to bring in Jack’s shin pads and crash helmet for Reid, will be back presently.  
Prentis .E: coolio 😎  
Hotchpocket: Don't burn anything down while I am gone. 

BBGirl: this is going to sound insane  
BBGirl: but you HAVE TO hear me out  
ChocoBuff: ...  
BBGirl: is reid married?!?!  
ChocoBuff: ...no?  
ChocoBuff: of course not  
ChocoBuff: no  
ChocoBuff: NO  
ChocoBuff: ...where has this come from?  
BBGirl: I may have seen him changing  
BBGirl: ON ACCIDENT  
BBGirl: (side note, that white chocolate twig is RIPPED!!!)  
BBGirl: there was a ring  
BBGirl: a gold one  
BBGirl: on a chain  
ChocoBuff: firstly- BOUNDERIES!, secondary- really???, third- its probably his mums BB, you know how he is  
BBGirl: oooohhhhh yeah that makes sense, this is why UR the profiler  
BBGirl: also it wasn't my fault!!! >:(((( he had split coffee on his shirt and was changing it in the disabled toilet  
BBGirl: and yes! he is surprisingly hot and i do not know what to do with this info so i will try and forget it  
ChocoBuff: w o w  
BBGirl: IKR

Garcia .P: i need a no questions asked  
HOTch: ...?  
Garcia .P: as reid's father figure  
HOTch: Is he okay? Should I be worried?  
Garcia .P: HE'S FINE- calm down daddy  
HOTch: Please reframe from ever calling me that  
HOTch: Please  
Garcia. P: fiiiiiiiineeeee  
Garcia .P: but seriously, i need you to tell if reid asked for you blessing  
HOTch: ...To?  
Garcia .P: GET MARRIED  
HOTch: Garcia what is going on?  
Garcia .P: I think our special boy/your son got married secretly, maybe in vegas, maybe in a church, who knows?!?!  
Garcia .P: i think i just heard you sigh from my lair  
Garcia .P: IS IT TRUUUUEEEE?  
Garcia .P: hotttttcchhhhh  
HOTch: Garcia. I do not know. I assume not. Now please do your work.  
Garcia .P: FINE! Be like that! :((((((((  
HOTch: ...also I am not Reid's father.  
Garcia .P: someone's in an Egyptian river....0.0

SamtheEagle: FYI Garcia might be more intense than usual today.  
Bastard: too late  
Bastard: just asked me if i gave reid away at his wedding  
Bastard: as if i'd take your job aaron  
SamtheEagle: Oh? Would you be flower girl or mother of the groom then Dave?  
SamtheEagle: Also, I am not his dad.  
Bastard: flower girl obv  
Bastard: suuure youre not 

JJ :): If you did get married without telling me you are no longer allowed to eat desert and I will cut holes in all your socks!  
Spencie: 0.0  
Spencie: ???  
JJ :) : you have been warned!

Meanie: if you are getting married then I want an open bar and to be flower girl  
Stinky Baby: …okay…? 

Reid .S: Sir? Do you know why everyone is asking if I’m married? And pls tell me how to make it stop.  
Dad: Ask Garcia.  
Reid .S: Thnx  
Dad: Just for clarifications sake, you aren’t right?  
Reid .S: …  
Reid .S: Just because your glaring at me from your office doesn’t mean I’ll talk  
…  
Reid .S: its complicated  
Dad: Dinner and Feelings at mine tonight. Non-negotiable.  
Reid .S: :(  
Reid .S: I miss having a dad who didn't care about my emotional wellbeing 

Reid .S: Please can I take the rest of the day?  
Dad: Are you okay?  
Reid .S: all good I just need to go home  
Dad: Office. Now. 

Pretty Boy: I need to borrow your car  
Bald Brethren: wow what lovely manners  
Pretty Boy: this is serious I need your car, you bastard  
Bald Brethren: okay wow are you okay?!  
Pretty Boy: yes sorry but I need the car  
Bald Brethren: why?  
Pretty Boy: I just need it okay  
Bald Brethren: I am not letting you drive my baby without good course  
Pretty Boy: FINe I need to go home and look after my neighbours’ kid, she is sick and her parents have to go to the hospital  
Pretty Boy: happy?  
Bald Brethren: I guess… yes you can borrow the car  
Pretty Boy: I can drop it by your place around 5 if you get a lift with someone home???  
Bald Brethren: sounds cool  
Pretty Boy: thank you soo much!!! Xxxx  
Bald Brethren: your welcome you rude little man  
Pretty Boy: *you’re  
Pretty Boy: :))))

Michelin Man: do you know who reid lives next to  
Crazy Cat Lady: …no  
Crazy Cat Lady: a couple, I think  
Crazy Cat Lady: why do you care again?  
Michelin Man: he’s picking up their kid  
Crazy Cat Lady: that is a bit weird  
Crazy Cat Lady: asks Garcia  
Michelin Man: way ahead of you

BBGirl: One Daniel Haden, arrested twice for protesting and resisting arrest  
BBGirl: and one Lucy Haden  
BBGirl: wow this woman doesn’t know how to park legally  
BBGirl: recently married  
BBGirl: aww they have a 2-year-old called Penny who was their flower girl  
BBGirl: omg  
BBGirl: You’ll NEVER guess who was best man!  
ChocoBuff: …spencer?  
BBGirl: yes! Wow they look so close  
BBGirl: he even wore a matching suit, so cute  
BBGirl: I feel like my kid has grown up  
BBGirl: he has friends!!!  
ChocoBuff: yeah…  
ChocoBuff: wonder why he doesn’t mention them…  
ChocoBuff: suspicious  
BBGirl: crying rn so cute 

Reid .S: guess who just bought lube and peanut butter icecream?!?!  
Dad: This is just a stab in the dark but I’ll guess my Subordinate Agent Spencer Grant Reid who promised my he was going home to sleep.  
Reid .S: oh god  
Reid .S: I am so so sorry  
Dad: At least the sex will tire you out. Also use protection.  
Reid .S: kmn 

Infant: What do you cook when you can’t cook but have to make a birthday meal?  
Papa Pasta: cook something from your childhood? Family recipes go down great  
Infant: great ill just cook malnutrition and neglect  
Papa Pasta: -_-  
Infant: pls can you tell me what to do?! I’m desperate  
Infant: I tried to cook a normal person meal yesterday and burnt everything  
Infant: including my hair  
Papa Pasta: I will come over and help  
Infant: THANK YOUUUU  
Papa Pasta: but only if you tell me who you are cooking for?  
Infant: …fine

Bastard: So… guess who just told me about their secret relationship  
Bastard: I found out first- pay up  
SamtheEagle: guess who got told 5 weeks ago  
Bastard: You are awful  
Bastard: No wonder Haley left  
SamtheEagle: says Mr 3 divorces  
SamtheEagle: you owe me $30  
Bastard: fucking dracula looking asshole  
SamtheEagle: :D 

Reid .S: whats a good way to tell a bunch of immature idiots im in a serious relationship?  
Dad: Sit down with them, preferably over dinner, and address them eloquently and calmly, give them time to digest the information. Be ready to answer questions and intense emotions.  
Reid .S: "calmly" and "eloquently" are my style sorry 

Infant: how do I tell the team I am dating?  
Papa Pasta: stand on a table and shout it  
....  
Papa Pasta: Alternatively mass text  
Infant: perf thnx

Spencer created a group chat named "ATTENTION HOES" 

Added: Bald Brethren, Meanie, JJ :) , ☆Garcia☆

Spencer: ATTENTION. I shall not be repeating this statement so listen up.  
I am in a happy and healthy relationship with my next-door neighbours, it has been going on for 3 years.  
I will field questions for 30 mins and no more. I will hold the power to veto any questions.

☆Garcia☆: omgomgomgomgomg  
Meanie: ha gay

Spencer removed "Meanie" from the chat

JJ :) : I am so mad and happy and confused at the same time! How could you not tell me Spencer?! >:( 

Spencer: Is that your question JJ?

JJ :) : Yes! how could you not tell me you butt!?

Spencer: I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner. NGL I was scared. At first I thought being in a polygamous relationship with a couple would just make me even more weird. And it was so new to me, I mean sure I've slept around but I'd never had a formal relationship before and I didn't want to jinx anything. Then the longer it went on, the worse it got. I am really sorry. I wanted to tell you! 

JJ :) : I understand and still love you but I am anger and will need to get pissed with you and have a feelings talk

Spencer: not feelings talk :( also ily too 

Bald Brethern: "slept around" lol you virgin 

Spencer removed "Bald Brethen" from the chat

Spencer: and that's the unofficial reason I didn't tell anyone, contrary to belief I do have a sex life

☆Garcia☆: I bet you do bb genius! ;) 

\--- 

Spencer changed the group name to "One Question A Day"  
Spencer has added "Papa pasta" and "Dad" to the chat and re added "meanie" and "Bald Brethen"

Spencer: parents you have been added  
Dad: I do not approve of how you told then.  
Spencer: oh no my dad disapproving is almost worse than him abandoning me  
Papa Pasta: i thought it was a good job  
Spencer: thank you my favourite parent  
Dad: :(  
Papa Pasta: i thought you weren't his dad hotch  
Spencer: what.. :(((  
Dad: Fine. I love and appreciate all my BAU children and accept a patently position in Reid life  
Spencer: <3  
Dad: sigh  
Dad: <3 

Meanie: :) also I knew you guys knew and I knew that Reid was dating his neighbours  
Spencer: ._. Thnx for the info Emily  
Spencer: i can literally see you Garcia vibrating out of your seat, I presume you want to ask a question  
☆Garcia☆: yes! Firstly I am very happy for you  
Spencer: :)  
☆Garcia☆: secondally, DID YOU MARRY THEM?!!?  
Spencer: sort of...  
Spencer: they got married to each other officially 5 months ago and I was the best man  
☆Garcia☆: and you looked so cute and handsome!!!!  
Spencer: erm... thanks  
Spencer: so they officially got married but before the wedding they surprised me and gave me a ring and we did a fake marriage thing where we pledged to each other and exchanged rings  
JJ :) : V. adorable  
Meanie: ^  
Bald Brethren: I don't want to offend PB, but why did they get married to each other and not you officially?  
Spencer: well...  
Spencer: when I met them they had already been together for 2 years and all their relatives knew. Initially our relationship together was just neighbours, then friends, then sexual. It took about a year for us to realise it was something more. And they are definitely a couple, they go on date and live together. I just sort of join them occasionally. It suits how we live and if seemed unnecessary to announce to their family I was an additional sexual/life partner. I'm sort of a third wheel that is included but not as often... everyone just thinks I'm a very close friend  
Spencer: sorry I'm not making sense  
Dad: You are doing fine Spencer.  
Bald Brethren: and you like that?  
Spencer: yeah! I get to be independent but also have the family I've always wanted  
Spencer: and  
Spencer: i really love them both, a lot  
Spencer: and penny, she's amazing  
☆Garcia☆: I am melting my sweet so pure  
Papa Pasta: yeah apart from all the "sexual" stuff, good job Reid  
JJ :): tell me about Penny! How involved are you???  
Spencer: i will say 3 things. 1. Looking after Henry really helped, 2. I adore her and look after a lot, 3. She may or may not be named after me...  
☆Garcia☆: SPENCER THAT IS SO CUTE  
Bald Brethren: they call you Penny?  
Spencer: shut up  
JJ :) : I bet he's blushing  
Spencer: SHUT UP  
Dad: I have no doubt you are an amazing father Spencer.  
Papa Pasta: and now he's crying  
Spencer: you're mum’s crying


End file.
